CAMELOT FANTASIES
CAMELOT FANTASIES => EMMA'S CAFE => Topic started by: Emma on January 29, 2014, 06:43:02 pm
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ha ha ha.
I have loved the one liners.
there was some dude named H.L. Mencken. he was the master of one liners. we will have to dig up his work and post some of it here at your place.
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How about these one liners? Pretty good, no?
- 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
- Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
- The last thing I want to do is insult you. But it IS on the list.
- Time does'nt exist. Clocks exists.
- My mind’s made up, don’t confuse me with facts.
- Talk is cheap. Until you hire a lawyer.
- Take my advice — I'm not using it.
- I would like to slip into something more comfortable - like a coma.
- I started with nothing, and I still have most of it.
- Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
- If you are here - who is running hell?
- Treat each day as your last; one day you will be right.
- Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"?
- If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
- Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
- All power corrupts. Absolute power is pretty neat, though.
- I want patience - AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!
- Jesus loves you, it's everybody else that thinks you're an a...
- You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes, and you will learn a lot today.
- My conscience is clean — I have never used it.
- Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
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;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
I will add some more jokes today.
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Those were great, guys.
Thoroughly enjoyed them.
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The Requirements Of This Job
Employer: "In this job we need someone who is responsible."
Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."
Love this!
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:) :) :) LOL :) :) :) :)
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A big city Chicago lawyer went duck hunting in rural Wisconsin. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked the lawyer what he was doing.
The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and your not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer replied. "I'm one of the best trial lawyers in the Chicago, and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything that you own.
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Wisconsin. We settle small disagreements like this, with the Wisconsin Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Wisconsin Three Kick Rule?"
The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly gets down from the tractor and walked up to the city fella. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin, which dropped him to his knees.
His second kick nearly ripped the nose off his face.
The lawyer was flat on his belly, when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly causing him to give up, but didn't.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old man, now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said,
"Naw, I give up, You can keep the duck!"
That's a good one!
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thanks emma.
this thread was a superb idea on your part.
one day it will be like one stop shopping for a cool joke.
anybody looking to laugh will find it here.
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
I will make a contribution and add more jokes here later today.
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Differences Between You And Your Boss
1.When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.
2.When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.
3.When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.
4.When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.
5.When you take a stand, you're being pig-headed.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.
6.When you overlooked a rule of ettiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.
7.When you please your boss, you're ass-kissing.
When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.
8.When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.
9.When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss has a day off sick, he must be very ill.
10.When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.
That is honestly so true. lololol
Good stuff, herc darling. ;D
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Differences Between You And Your Boss
1.When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.
2.When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.
3.When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.
4.When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.
5.When you take a stand, you're being pig-headed.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.
6.When you overlooked a rule of ettiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.
7.When you please your boss, you're ass-kissing.
When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.
8.When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.
9.When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss has a day off sick, he must be very ill.
10.When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.
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The Spoon
(A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an organization.)
Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However when the busboy brought out water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket, then I looked around the room and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"
"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Anderson Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes. After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.
As luck would have it I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare spoon. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was rather impressed.
I noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. My curiosity got the better of me and before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice. "Not everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom." "How so?" "See," he continued, "by tying this string to the tip of your you know what, we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and that way eliminate the need to wash the hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."
After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even further, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."
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Hello boss? I can't come to work today...
1. If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work.
The voices told me to clean all the guns today.
2. When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac.
I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.
3. I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half
back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time
continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was
able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source
on exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my
dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late,
or early.
4. Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.
5. I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous
boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?
6. I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have
that deadline to meet...
7. I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.
8. Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and,
hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I
help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for
calling.
9. My stigmata's acting up.
10. I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to
work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
11. The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me
this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.
12. The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
13. I prefer to remain an enigma.
14. My step other has come back as one of the Undead and we must track
her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace.
One day should do it.
15. I can't come to work today because the Environmental Protection
Agency has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands
and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.
16. I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.
17. I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.
18. I refuse to travel to my job in the District until there is a commuter tax.
I insist on paying my fair share.
19. I've used up all my sick days...so I'm calling in dead.
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The Requirements Of This Job
Employer: "In this job we need someone who is responsible."
Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."
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Work vs Prison
IN PRISON... you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.
IN PRISON... you get three meals a day.
AT WORK... you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON... you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK... you get more work for good behavior.
IN PRISON... the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK... you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.
IN PRISON... you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK... you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON... you get your own toilet.
AT WORK... you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.
IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family.
IN PRISON... all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required
AT WORK... you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON... you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK... you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON... you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK... they are called managers.
So why is it, again, that we work?
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When Charles de Gaulle decided to retire from public life, the American ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honor. At the dinner table the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame de Gaulle.
"Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and International scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?"
"A ****," replied Madame de Gaulle.
A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer...and no one knew what to say next.
Finally, Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said, "Ma cherie, I believe zee Americans pronounce zat word, 'appiness.
ROFL, this is awesome. I have to share this with my friends.
Fine catch!
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thanks lady Emma.
we got plenty of entertainment at Camelot.
hopefully new members and our guests are enjoying all this.
Emma's world is shaking and baking.
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When Charles de Gaulle decided to retire from public life, the American ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honor. At the dinner table the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame de Gaulle.
"Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and International scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?"
"A ****," replied Madame de Gaulle.
A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer...and no one knew what to say next.
Finally, Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said, "Ma cherie, I believe zee Americans pronounce zat word, 'appiness.
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Three men died, but before God would let them into heaven, God gave them a chance to come back as anything they wanted. The first guy said, "I want to come back as myself, but 100 times smarter." So God made him 100 times smarter.
The second guy said, "I want to be better than that guy, make me 1000 times smarter." So God made him 1000 times smarter.
The last guy decided he would be the best. So he said, "God, make me better than both of them, make me 1,000,000 times smarter." So God made him a woman.
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Three elderly sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, shared a house together. One evening, the 96-year-old sister went upstairs to take a bath. As she put her foot into the tub, she paused. Then she yelled down to the other two sisters and asked, "Was I getting in the tub or out?" "You dern fool," said the 94-year-old. "I'll come up and see." When she got half way up the stairs she paused. "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92-year-old sister was sitting at the kitchen table drinking a cup of tea and thought, "I hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She shook her head and called out, "I'll be up to help you both as soon as I see who's at the door."
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**An elephant asked a camel, "Why are your breasts on your back?" "Well," says the camel, "I think that's a strange question from somebody whose wiener is on his face."**
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The lawyers jokes are always great. lol very good stuff, herc. ;D
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A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill." The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
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A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offence committed by his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
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A big city Chicago lawyer went duck hunting in rural Wisconsin. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked the lawyer what he was doing.
The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and your not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer replied. "I'm one of the best trial lawyers in the Chicago, and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything that you own.
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Wisconsin. We settle small disagreements like this, with the Wisconsin Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Wisconsin Three Kick Rule?"
The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly gets down from the tractor and walked up to the city fella. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin, which dropped him to his knees.
His second kick nearly ripped the nose off his face.
The lawyer was flat on his belly, when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly causing him to give up, but didn't.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old man, now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said,
"Naw, I give up, You can keep the duck!"
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At a convention of biological scientists, one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?" "Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?" "Well, for three reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won't do."
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mummy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"
"Of course not, dear," replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"
"The tombstone back there said... 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
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One day in Contract Law class, the professor asked one of his better students, "Now if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?"
The student replied, "Here's an orange."
The professor was livid. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!"
The student then recited, "Okay, I'd tell him, 'I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding..."
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I like it but here you are the boss.
you have to decide.
I like your title the most.
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emma you should consider giving your "jokes" thread a catchy name like:
1. laughter the perfect medicine
2. laughter the best therapy
3. laughter the perfect cure
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
I changed the title of this thread but that might be too long. Maybe I should go with the ones here as you suggested. let me know.
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those jokes were excellent.
I will make a contribution later tonight as well.
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emma you should consider giving your "jokes" thread a catchy name like:
1. laughter the perfect medicine
2. laughter the best therapy
3. laughter the perfect cure
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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ha ha ha.
I am still laughing about that indian checking for bees.
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Computer Tech Support
This ought to make you feel better about your computer skills!
=================================
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...
===============
Customer: Hi, this is Celine . I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No , wait a minute.. I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....
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Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
===============
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on 'start' for me and....
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.
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Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
============== =
Customer: I have problems printing in red..
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.
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Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.
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Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: ! OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in.. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah..that one does work...
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Tech support: Your password is the small letter 'a' as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters ?
== =============
Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
===============
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
===============
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
===============
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?
===============
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: 'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.'
===============
And last but not least...
Tech support: 'Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.'
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: 'P'.....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!
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Halloween Costume "One Night Stand"
(https://www.camelotfantasies.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimages.buycostumes.com%2Fmgen%2Fmerchandiser%2F17645.jpg%3Fis%3D225%2C225%2C0xffffff&hash=9aaf31d2673100ba64bf57f98a62674ff6cefe5c)
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WORLD'S SHORTEST FAIRY TALE
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl, "Will you marry me?"
The girl said, "No."
And the guy lived happily ever after and went golfing and fishing and drank a lot.
THE END
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HER DIARY
Saturday night I thought he was acting weird.
We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friend all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.
On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say I love you too. When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. ! He just sat there and watched T.V. He seemed distant and absent.
Finally I decided to go to bed, about 10 minutes later he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. I decided that I could not take it anymore so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
HIS DIARY
Played a horrible game of golf today! Shot a 95. Can't putt for s**t.
Got laid though.
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Stupid quotes from the NBA players:
Chuck Nevitt explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: “My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm gonna be an uncle or an aunt."
Chris Morris to a piano player at a hotel bar while trying to impress a date: “Play some Picasso."
Matt Harpring on receiving a pass from Mark Jackson and making the jumper that gave Jackson his 10,000th career assist: "When I hit it I heard the crowd going crazy and I was like, 'Wow, that was a sweet jumper, they must have liked that one.' I had no clue."
Jason Kidd: “We're gonna to turn this team around 360 degrees."
Dikembe Mutombo: "Who wants to sex Mutombo?"
Drew Gooden: "I've had to overcome a lot of diversity."
Drew Gooden:"I didn't even know Elvis was from Memphis, I thought he was from Tennessee"
Mutombo: They will have to work hard for win. It won't be a walk in the cake.
Some guy was asked how he felt about being named to the all-interview team. His response: "No comment".
Isiah Thomas when asked if any teams were interested in trading for Shandon Anderson: If I was to answer that question honestly, I would have to lie to you."
Shaq on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece: "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."
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An American Indian walks into a whorehouse and says to the madam "Me wantum sex." The madam asks if he has money, and the Indian says yes, he has plenty money. The madam asks if he has experience, and the Indian lowers his head and says sadly "No, me no got experience."
The madam says "Okay, buddy, the thing is to come here you have to have experience." The Indian asks how he coud get experience. The madam says "Here's what you do. Go out into the woods and find a tree with just the right size hole. Use that hole correctly and you will get experience." The Indian nods happily and leaves.
A few months later the Indian returns, and tells the madam "Me wantum sex." The madam asks if he has money, and the Indian says yes. The madam asks if he has experience, and the Indian smiles broadly exclaiming "Me got plenty experience!" The madam says okay, takes his money and sends him to a back room.
When the Indian opens the door a beautiful naked woman is sitting on the bed. He instructs her to stand up and turn around, so she has her back to him. Then tells her to bend over. She does, and he immediately kicks her in the butt as hard as he can, completely knocking her off her feet. The girl stands up and demands "What in the hell was that all about?!"
The Indian responds "Me checkum for bees."
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New Living Will Form
I, __________________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of peckerwood politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it.
If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to sit up and ask for
(please initial all that apply)
___________ a martini,
___________ a margarita,
___________ a beer, ___________ a steak,
___________ the remote control,
___________ a bowl of ice cream,
___________ a Kalua on the rocks,
___________ sex,
it should be presumed that I won't ever get better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day.
Under no circumstances shall the members of the Legislature enact a special law to keep me on life-support machinery. It is my wish that these boneheads mind their own damn business, and pay attention instead to the future of the millions of Americans who aren't in a permanent coma.
Signature:___________________________
Date: ___________________________
Witness:
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LONDON (AFP) - A foul-mouthed parrot previously owned by a lorry driver has been banished from public areas in a British animal sanctuary after repeatedly embarrassing his keepers, they said.
Barney, a five-year-old Macaw, is now kept indoors at Warwickshire Animal Sanctuary in Nuneaton, central England, when outsiders visit after abusing dignitaries with swearword-littered insults.
"He's told a lady mayoress to f..(expletive) off and he told a lady vicar: 'And you can f... off as well'," sanctuary worker Stacey Clark said.
Nor did the forces of law and order escape, she added.
"Two policemen came to have a look at the centre. He told them: 'And you can f... off you two ****'."
Clark said sanctuary workers believed Barney either picked up the phrases from television or was taught them by his previous owner, a lorry driver who emigrated to Spain.
"He does say 'Hello, big boy' and 'Thank you' when you give him a biscuit," she added.
"But it's mainly naughty words and always to the wrong people. We're trying to teach him not to swear. Macaws are very intelligent birds."
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Here are 12 of the most outrageous excuses employees have heard for being late to work:
1. My heat was shut off so I had to stay home to keep my snake warm.
2. My husband thinks it's funny to hide my car keys before he goes to work.
3. I walked into a spider web on the way out the door and couldn't find the spider, so I had to go inside and shower again.
4. I got locked in my trunk by my son.
5. My left turn signal was out so I had to make all right turns to get to work.
6. A gurney fell out of an ambulance and delayed traffic.
7. I was attacked by a raccoon and had to stop by the hospital to make sure it wasn't rabid.
8. I feel like I'm in everyone's way if I show up on time.
9. My father didn't wake me up.
10. A groundhog bit my bike tire and made it flat.
11. My driveway washed away in the rain last night.
12. I had to go to bingo.
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!''
The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''
That was very funny! haha
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“THE FIRST TEN LIES THEY TELL YOU IN HIGH SCHOOL
1. We are here to help you.
2. You will have time to get to your class before the bell rings.
3. The dress code will be enforced.
4. No smoking is allowed on school grounds.
5. Our football team will win the championship this year.
6. We expect more of you here.
7. Guidance counselors are always available to listen.
8. Your schedule was created with you in mind.
9. Your locker combination is private.
10. These will be the years you look back on fondly.
TEN MORE LIES THEY TELL YOU IN HIGH SCHOOL
1. You will use algebra in your adult lives.
2. Driving to school is a privilege that can be taken away.
3. Students must stay on campus during lunch.
4. The new text books will arrive any day now.
5. Colleges care more about you than your SAT scores.
6. We are enforcing the dress code.
7. We will figure out how to turn off the heat soon.
8. Our bus drivers are highly trained professionals.
9. There is nothing wrong with summer school.
10. We want to hear what you have to say.”
― Laurie Halse Anderson, Speak
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A beautiful, sexy, good looking lady was sitting next to a guy in a plane...... The lady said to him ' Can you help me remove something from my breast please? ‘The exciting young man replied, 'Wow! It will be my pleasure....... So what is it?' "Your Eyes, idiot!"
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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that is some damn good information lady TT.
keep it coming.
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Great jokes, All!
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jokes are good for health.
I bet somebody out there has done a study somewhere about jokes and health.
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
There have been numerous studies on the health benefits of laughter. I make sure to get a good belly laugh daily. You can feel the benefits immediately.
Here's proof. I'm going to put it in Health & Beauty too. People need to laugh more.
8 Health Benefits of Laughter
• Melissa Breyer
• August 23, 2011
• 4:00 pm
Is there anything better than a contagious giggle that you absolutely can’t control? (Ok, maybe not so good in school or church.) Laughter works wonderfully well in the moment, but it also has some surprising long-term health benefits. In the book A Better Brain at Any Age: The Holistic Way to Improve Your Memory, Reduce Stress, and Sharpen Your Wits (Conari Press, 2009), author Sondra Kornblatt explores how laughter can truly make you feel better.
She writes that the new field of gelotology is exploring the benefits of laughter. It was brought to the public’s awareness in Norman Cousins’ memoir Anatomy of an Illness. Cousins found that comedies, like those of the Marx Brothers, helped him feel better and get some pain-free sleep. That’s because laughter helps the pituitary gland release its own pain-suppressing opiates.
What can laughter do?:
• Lower blood pressure
• Increase vascular blood flow and oxygenation of the blood
• Give a workout to the diaphragm and abdominal, respiratory, facial, leg, and back muscles
• Reduce certain stress hormones such as cortisol and adrenaline
• Increase the response of tumor- and disease-killing cells such as Gamma-interferon and T-cells
• Defend against respiratory infections–even reducing the frequency of colds–by immunoglobulon in saliva.
• Increase memory and learning; in a study at Johns Hopkins University Medical School, humor during instruction led to increased test scores
• Improve alertness, creativity, and memory
Humor and creativity work in similar ways, says humor guru William Fry, M.D., of Stanford University–by creating relationships between two disconnected items, you engage the whole brain.
Humor works quickly. Less than a half-second after exposure to something funny, and electrical wave moves through the higher brain functions of the cerebral cortex. The left hemisphere analyzes the words and structures of the joke; the right hemisphere “gets” the joke; the visual sensory area of the occipital lobe creates images; the limbic (emotional) system makes you happier; and the motor sections make you smile or laugh.
So let’s laugh. What makes you laugh? Tell us your favorite funny movie, or how about a good joke?
Read more: http://www.care2.com/greenliving/8-health-benefits-of-laughter.html#ixzz2sFWI1C5F
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Three guys go in for a job interview, all at the same office. The first one goes in for his interview and the interviewer says, "What's the first thing you see when you look at me?" The guy says, "That's not too hard, you've got no ears." The interviewer says, "That's it, get out, you'll never be seen around here again." The second man takes his turn and is asked the same question. The applicant replies, "Uh, you've got no ears." The interviewer throws the guy out, cursing and yelling that he'll never get a job with his company. As he is leaving, the second guy warns the third guy, "Listen man, whatever you do, don't say he hasn't got any ears. He's so touchy with the ear thing." "Okay," said man #3 on his way into the office. Once inside he is told, "Name the first thing you notice when you look at me." The guy answers, "That's easy, you wear contacts." The interviewer was flabbergasted, "How on earth did you know that, son?" "What? Are you stupid? You can't wear glasses, you've got no ears!"
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A Texas Oil Tycoon and an Alaskan Oil Tycoon were debating on which state had the most oil. The Alaskan Oil Tycoon said, "Listen, there is so much oil in Alaska that I could buy enough gold to build a wall of solid gold 100 feet tall and 100 feet wide all the way around the state of Texas". The Texas Oil Tycoon scratched his chin and adjusted his cowboy hat and said, "Well boy, I'll tell ya what....you just go ahead and build that wall, and if I like it.......I'll buy it".
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I will be posting a few more tonight before I go to sleep.
stay tuned.
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that was a rough one for that woman Carmen.
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
cool joke.
keep them coming if you have more.
also don't be shy. you have as much right to post anywhere as any of us.
Emma's café is one of the chit chat thread here.
as is "the truth's rant and rave" place.
we have chat threads all over the place.
feel free to post anywhere.
at Camelot, you are the boss.
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By the way...I enjoyed the jokes....I needed the laugh....thanks. Muah!
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!''
The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''
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The income tax expert was visiting the school to talk about taxes. “I’m going to tell you now about “indirect” taxes. Can anybody tell me what an indirect tax is?”
“A dog license,” said Smart Josh.
“And why is that?” asked the expert.
“The dog doesn’t pay it,” replied Josh.
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Two women were comparing notes on the difficulties of running a small business.
"I started a new practice last year," the first one said. "I insist that each of my employees take at least a week off every three months."
"Why in the world would you do that?" the other asked.
She responded, "It's the best way I can learn which ones I can do without."
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A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. I welcome you into the family,” said the man. “To show you how much we care for you, I am making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory everyday and learn the operation.”
The son-in-law interrupted. “I hate factories. I can’t stand the noise.” “I see.” replied the father-in-law, “Well, then you’ll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations.” “I hate office work,” said the son-in-law. “I can’t stand being stuck behind a desk.” “Wait a minute,” said the father-in-law. “I just made you half owner of a money-making industry, but you don’t like factories, and won’t work in an office. What am I going to do with you?” “Easy,” said the son-in-law. “Buy me out.”
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A businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped exhausted.
His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word. "My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?"
"It was terrible," her husband said. "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."
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A man walks pass a beggar on the corner of the street where he works. The beggar holds out his one hand and the man drops a coin into his hand. One day the man walks pass the beggar again and notices the beggar is holding hold out both his hands. He asks: “Why are you holding out both of your hands?” The beggar replied, "You see sir, business is going so well I decided to open another branch".
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A businessman, on his deathbed, called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die, you will have my remains cremated."
"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"
The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service. Write on the envelope, 'Now, you have everything.'"
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A Cajun named, Jean Paul, moved to Texas and bought a donkey from
an old farmer named Ben for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the
donkey the next day.
The next day, Ben drove up and said, "Sorry, but I have some bad news.
The donkey died."
"Well, then, just give me the money back," said Jean Paul
"Can't do that. I went and spent it already." Replied Ben
"OK, then. Just unload the donkey," said Jean Paul.
"What ya going to do with him?" asked Ben.
"I'm going to raffle him off," said Jean Paul.
"You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" uttered Ben.
"Sure can. Watch me. I just won't tell that he's dead," said Jean Paul.
A month later Ben met up with the Cajun and asked, "What happened
with that dead donkey?"
"I raffled him off, I did. I sold 500-hunderd tickets at two dollars apiece
and made a profit of $898," said Jean Paul.
"Didn't anyone complain?" inquired Ben.
"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back,” said Jean Paul.
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that is another reason why I have near zero use for all those forums out there.
all those toothless, legless, assless fools can think of is that bloody GOAT stuff and also who to insult and harass.
we are a breed apart.
we love our tennis but we take nothing too damn seriously.
and we have tons of diversions here.
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jokes are good for health.
I bet somebody out there has done a study somewhere about jokes and health.
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
I love funny people. I can't click with people who are too serious 24 hours a day. I love to laugh. It's a wonderful thing in life.
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Before going to Europe on business, a man drives his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and asks for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer, taken aback, requests collateral. "Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce," the man says. The loan officer promptly has the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping and gives the man the $5,000. Two weeks later, the man walks through the bank's doors and asks to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest," the loan officer says. The man writes out a check and starts to walk away. "Wait, sir," the loan officer says. "You are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?" The man smiles, "Where else could I find a safer place to park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"
;D ;D ;D
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A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"
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jokes are good for health.
I bet somebody out there has done a study somewhere about jokes and health.
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."
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affirmative.
stay tuned. I will add a few more for you so you can check them out at work when you are having your coffee break.
business jokes can be funny.
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Good stuff, herc but I will read these all tomorrow at work so that I can have a laugh while working. ;D
I meant to post a few today but got sidetracked by Andy's match.
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The manager of a large office asked a new employee to come into his office. "What is your name?," was the first thing the manager asked. "John," the new guy replied. The manager scowled. "Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name! It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority," he said. "I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?" The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling." The manager said, "Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you..."
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CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the
market keeps crashing.
BROKER -- What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets
equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought
Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.
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Before going to Europe on business, a man drives his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and asks for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer, taken aback, requests collateral. "Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce," the man says. The loan officer promptly has the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping and gives the man the $5,000. Two weeks later, the man walks through the bank's doors and asks to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest," the loan officer says. The man writes out a check and starts to walk away. "Wait, sir," the loan officer says. "You are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?" The man smiles, "Where else could I find a safer place to park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"
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You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night. You pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect man (or) woman you have been dreaming about.
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?
Think before you continue reading. This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.
You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first; or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect dream lover again.
The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer.
He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend, and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the woman of my dreams."
Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."
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I will have to make a contribution later this evening.
I do like jokes a lot.
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;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Men's Rules
Women should learn these.
Women, learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not considered by us to be opportunities to see if we can find the perfect present again!
Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.
Ask for what you want. Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
We don't remember dates. . . .Period!!
Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We've been tricked before!!
If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.
You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.
ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing", we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what they're saying anyway.)
BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know, it's like camping.
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You Know You're from Canada When...
Manitoba, Specifically.
You only know three spices - salt, pepper and ketchup.
You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
The mosquitoes have landing lights.
You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.
You have 10 favourite recipes for moose meat.
Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.
You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is one meter above the ground.
You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.
You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
The local paper covers national and international headlines on 1/4 page, but requires 6 pages for sports.
At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.
You think the start of moose season is a national holiday.
You head south to go to your cottage.
You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears won't prowl on your deck.
You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
The major parish fund-raiser isn't bingo - it's sausage making.
You find -40 degrees (celsius) a little chilly.
The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freezer.
You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry and your Sorels.
You can play road hockey on skates.
You know 4 seasons - Winter, Still Winter, almost Winter and Construction.
The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.
You know what a "vendor" is, and you have said "Grab me an Extra Old Stock for last call. I'm going to hit the vendor, and we can head back to my place."
You find it interesting to guess the gender of the person under all those clothes.
Skinner's, Kelekis, Salisbury House, Bridge Drive-In, and perogies from the church basement are all you need to survive. And the vendor - don't forget that.
Manitoba is so flat that, on a clear day, you can see the back of your own head.
You've caught a 50-pound channel catfish, and thrown it back. Too small. Who wants a muck-raking, scum-sucking bottom feeder unless it has a Law degree?
Good times? Meat Bingo. Don't ask.
Winnipeg is one of the only places in Canada where you can walk into a shop, be greeted in French, reply in English, and have the clerk switch linguistic gears seamlessly with no snark at all.
Enter the Festivale de Voyageur beard growing contest, and you don't have to shave for an entire year.
You can buy a 1-bedroom condo in the heart of downtown Winnipeg for about $60,000 (Canadian dollars). You can get a fixer-upper starter home for less than the price of a new luxury car.
If you get your car stuck in the snow, passers-by will help you push it out without having to ask them. It's reflex.
You know (from experience) that when a frostbite warning says "exposed skin may freeze in 1 minute or less", they mean it.
You know what the little electrical plug in the grill of the car is for.
You are surprised when you move to a different province, because places where people aren't cooped up for months have really crappy musicians.
You've eaten a Skinner's hotdog, a Goog Special from the BDI, a cheese nip from the Sal's, and washed it down with an Extra Old Stock. You know that a Fat Boy is a burger, that bannock is useless without beans, and that the best perogies come out of church basements.
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that was too funny emma.
keep them coming.
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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so now you are going to try your hand at comedy.
better stick to your day job.
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
actually its a great idea.
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First up:
Men vs. Women
Subtle differences.
Handwriting:
Men: To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch.
Women: Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot the "i" with circles or hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in the "b" and "g". It is a pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she will put a smiley face at the end of the note.
Groceries:
Women: A woman makes a list of things she needs, then goes out to the store and buys those things.
Men: A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the express lane.
Relationships:
Women: When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life.
Men: A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need.
Sex:
Women: They prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay.
Men: They prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place part of the foreplay.
Maturity:
Women: They mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults.
Men: Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.
Magazines:
Men: Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body.
Women: Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.
Bathrooms:
Men: A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
Women: The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man cannot identify most of these items.
Shoes:
Women: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk.
Men: A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day. Let's not talk about how many days he'll wear the same socks.
Cats:
Women: Women love cats.
Men: Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
Children:
Women: A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.
Men: A man is vaguely aware of some little people living in the house.
Dressing Up:
Women: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.
Men: A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.
Laundry:
Women: Women do laundry every couple of days.
Men: A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants (the ones that were hip about eight years ago) before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by reruns of old episodes of "Love American Style."
Eating Out:
Men: When the check comes, each man will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.
Women: When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.
Mirrors:
Men: Men are vain and will check themselves out in a mirror.
Women: They are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, bald guys' heads.
Menopause:
Women: When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual.
Men: Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction - he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.
The Phone:
Men: Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people.
Women: A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
Richard Gere:
Women: Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way.
Men: Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women.
Madonna:
Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.
Toys:
Women: Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest.
Men: Men never grow out of their toy obsession. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive, silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TVs. Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate.
Cameras:
Men: Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes.
Women: Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always end up taking better pictures.
Locker Rooms:
Men: In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women.
Women: They talk about one thing in the locker room - sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.
Movies:
Women: Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a **** scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man.
Men: The only actor who has ever appeared **** in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.
Jewelry:
Women: Women look nice when they wear jewelry.
Men: A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.
Conversation:
Men: Men need a good disagreement to get talking. For instance, "Wow, great movie." or "What are you, nuts? No REAL cop would have an Uzi that size."
Women: Women, not having this problem, try to initiate conversations with men by saying something agreeable: "That garden by the roadside looks lovely." "Mm hmm." Pause. "That was a good restaurant last night, wasn't it?" "Yeah." Pause. And so on.
Leg Warmers:
Women: Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants.
Men: A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line."
Friends:
Women: Women on a girls' night out talk the whole time.
Men: Men on a boy's night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are "Pass the Doritos" or "got any more beer?"
Restrooms:
Women: Women use restrooms as social lounges. Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. Women also go to the restroom in packs, at least two women at a time excuse themselves to use the restroom.
Men: Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Men in a restrooms will never speak a word to each other. And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, "Hey, Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?"