Hello everyone.
I haven't really been in the mood to post lately. My dog died a while ago and it was really horrible for me. It all happened so quickly and unexpectedly. 
I'm still not over it and I think I won't be the same for a while. Getting a new dog is out of question for me at the moment. I don't know where I will be in the next few years. Actually it was my dog which kept me from moving away for all these years. Now I have nothing holding me back anymore. I have my family and friends but they could come to visit me anywhere in the world.
I'm also very heart-broken at the moment. Actually I have been feeling like this for quite some time but always had something to keep my hope alive. Just at the moment I feel like this person is completely slipping away from me. It is a really long story and at the moment it is just driving me insane. If I could, I would spend all day in bed just crying and blaming myself.
Anyway, I'm off to keep myself busy with tennis, TV series and online shopping for make-up and other beauty items.
Oh Nikki, I am so sorry for your loss. I've never had a dog but I am perfectly aware of the relationship human beings can have with their pet animals and I know how devastating the loss can be when they pass away. And I love dogs too even though I never had one but this would be one of the reasons why I wouldn't want to have a dog. I get too attached to things I love. My deepest condolences. And yes, you really need to keep yourself busy doing the things you still love. I am sure there are lots of things to keep your mind distracted from both incidents.
I am sorry about the guy as well. Perhaps it's just not meant to be even though I am sure you thought it otherwise and it must feel like another loss, but hopefully in time you will find out. If you like, you can see this as something that was supposed to happen to you at this time and as a pain or suffering that has some great lessons within it. You know how they say when you are older you are wiser. What changes in between then? What makes them wiser? Only experience because experiences have many elements to it that makes you become aware of more things. So if it hurts I am sure it has something in it for you to take it away that will be beneficial for future relationships.
Anyway, if you feel like going away you totally should. Just follow your heart. I am sure your parents will understand. And yes, don't get another dog; not only you don't need a replacement but also you don't want to forget about your old dog that kept you company all this time. I'd rather go through the sadness than to quickly replace it. Hope you feel better soon. (((hug)))
Thank you for your kind words. I never felt so bad about losing a pet. When I was younger, my grandma used to have a dog too. When she died I was sad as well but I was still too young to realize what a big loss it was. With my bunnies it was the same especially since they don't live as long as a dog anyway, that is why the emotional attachment isn't that strong. As for my dog who passed away last month, after 14 years of ups and downs together, I'm feeling completely devastated knowing that he will never come back to hit me in the face again with his paw in the morning.
Not to mention the unwanted kisses.
For me it is still hard to realize that it wasn't meant to be when the other one person involved still swears that he will always support me and never forget me no matter what will happen in the future. He keeps on telling me that the only thing which is keeping us from being together is the distance. Says that he loves me but I'm free to search for happiness elsewhere. For me it is hard to believe that something as trivial as distance is keeping him. He takes his profession very seriously although he is unemployed at the moment, fighting each day to survive, as he says. So moving somewhere else and start a new life is out of question for him and his stubborn mind. Maybe there is also fear of failing, having to beg others for money, etc. The cultural difference might play its part too. Sometimes his behavior really leaves me totally puzzled. Not being used to it, I always think that it is maybe me who isn't good enough for him but he just doesn't want to hurt my feelings by telling me the truth. Then again, he always tells me the truth about everything, I know him inside out because he is like an open book. Also I don't seem to understand is why he keeps in touch with me for all this time, even contacts me when I ignore him for some time just to see if he invests in it too. I know that he appreciates our conversations a lot and he feels rather lonely at the moment. Maybe he just wants to have someone to talk to, although when we are together, there are moments which show that there is more than friendship. His friends see it, some of his family members see it (even if he is trying to hide it because in his country they are pretty narrow-minded about many things) and they even talk to him about it. The excuse is always the distance when I'm around. I wonder what he tells them when I'm not around although it must be only good things or else they wouldn't react so positively towards me.
The reason why I feel he is slipping away from me is how he is talking to me these days. I know he is desperate about his situation. He is trying to find a job, has to help his parents in their shop, spends his time in front of the TV and the laptop, reads books to improve his language skills, broaden his horizon and all this currently influences in his way to talk to me. One moment he is completely hyper, offering me to go to the cinema (with me he went to the cinema in his city for the first time because his friends don't have common interests) , to have a coffee, etc. although he knows it isn't possible at the moment since I'm far away and won't have time until March. When I offer him to come here, he changes the subject (saying that it is too far and his car won't survive the trip). I know that it is because I would have to pay him the ticket but I would do it gladly. I had more fun with him when he was here than when I was there. Mainly because of cultural issues, his fear of what the neighbors might think or his parents finding out. He is almost 30 but still behaving like a child in some ways although he is the most intelligent and kind person I have met in my life.
Maybe I'm also scared because I know that he is feeling lonely and might find someone while I'm still thinking about what to do to help him and help myself. I have really fallen for his naive but still very cute personality, his big heart, his intelligence, his stubborn character (which makes me want to kill him sometimes) and his stupid jokes ("Ohhhh, I love how you beg me for a kiss so I don't give you one right away" - a comment which sometimes make me wonder if I have bad breath or if he is really that evil). I have learned in the past years when it is time to move on and let go. In this case it still feels way too early. If he was totally indifferent even while I'm there, I would stop wasting my time. But this dude even cries for me, cries with me, put the presents I gave him and even our cinema, train and sightseeing tickets on his wall, ...
Actually I'm going there in March. He doesn't know yet that I will be visiting him. I just told him that I would move in with a friend of mine for some time. She happens to live closer to him than I do, a good excuse to visit him. He also said that he would come over while I'm there but I can't depend on that yet. Money is really a big issue for him and asking for help is something he doesn't like to do.
Ahhhhh, okay... I think that was a novel. Felt good writing it though. Especially because it helped me to analyze the situation especially the part which is messing with my self-confidence.
As for moving away, my parents agree that I should try to go somewhere else for some time to see if it is really what I want. That is why I asked my friend who lives in Croatia if I can move in with her. She is more than happy to welcome me... especially because we don't see each other that often anymore. She already notified me though that I shouldn't stay with her all the time and go to this guy to fight for what I want and deserve. Funnily it is the first time that she likes a guy that I'm interested in. She always warned me about all the others and I didn't listen.
Booked a one-way ticket the other day. Not that it means that I'm really leaving for good. A one-way ticket back home is also very easy to buy even on short notice.
Hello everyone.
I haven't really been in the mood to post lately. My dog died a while ago and it was really horrible for me. It all happened so quickly and unexpectedly. I'm still not over it and I think I won't be the same for a while. Getting a new dog is out of question for me at the moment. I don't know where I will be in the next few years. Actually it was my dog which kept me from moving away for all these years. Now I have nothing holding me back anymore. I have my family and friends but they could come to visit me anywhere in the world.
I'm also very heart-broken at the moment. Actually I have been feeling like this for quite some time but always had something to keep my hope alive. Just at the moment I feel like this person is completely slipping away from me. It is a really long story and at the moment it is just driving me insane. If I could, I would spend all day in bed just crying and blaming myself.
Anyway, I'm off to keep myself busy with tennis, TV series and online shopping for make-up and other beauty items.
hola nikki.
I am very sorry to hear about your loss. please stay strong.
you have friends here nikki. please don't feel alone.
Thank you. I will try my best to stay strong.
It is always good to have people to talk to. Especially people whose point of view is a bit more objective.
I feel bad for Nikki.
she loved and adored her dog. she used to post pictures of her dog.
I really loved him. I just hope he didn't suffer much and wasn't sad that we couldn't do much more for him.
I know it was just an animal but he really could show happiness and sadness like no other dog.
I feel bad for Nikki.
she loved and adored her dog. she used to post pictures of her dog.
Yes, I too feel very bad. I wanted see the picture of her dog too but I thought it might not just be a good idea. There might just be a lot of memories attached to it. Poor Nikki...really going through some hardship right now. Better and brighter days are however ahead. I hope she doesn't make any drastic decision re: her love life. Very emotional time for her. She always has us to keep her company of course.
I might post a picture of him soon. Sure, it brings back a lot of memories but most of them are good ones. I try not to think about the morning he died because it still feels surreal.
