CAMELOT FANTASIES

Thank you for your kind words. I never felt so bad about losing a pet. When I was younger, my grandma used to have a dog too. When she died I was sad as well but I was still too young to realize what a big loss it was. With my bunnies it was the same especially since they don't live as long as a dog anyway, that is why the emotional attachment isn't that strong. As for my dog who passed away last month, after 14 years of ups and downs together, I'm feeling completely devastated knowing that he will never come back to hit me in the face again with his paw in the morning.  Not to mention the unwanted kisses.

For me it is still hard to realize that it wasn't meant to be when the other one person involved still swears that he will always support me and never forget me no matter what will happen in the future. He keeps on telling me that the only thing which is keeping us from being together is the distance. Says that he loves me but I'm free to search for happiness elsewhere. For me it is hard to believe that something as trivial as distance is keeping him. He takes his profession very seriously although he is unemployed at the moment, fighting each day to survive, as he says. So moving somewhere else and start a new life is out of question for him and his stubborn mind. Maybe there is also fear of failing, having to beg others for money, etc. The cultural difference might play its part too. Sometimes his behavior really leaves me totally puzzled. Not being used to it, I always think that it is maybe me who isn't good enough for him but he just doesn't want to hurt my feelings by telling me the truth. Then again, he always tells me the truth about everything, I know him inside out because he is like an open book. Also I don't seem to understand is why he keeps in touch with me for all this time, even contacts me when I ignore him for some time just to see if he invests in it too. I know that he appreciates our conversations a lot and he feels rather lonely at the moment. Maybe he just wants to have someone to talk to, although when we are together, there are moments which show that there is more than friendship. His friends see it, some of his family members see it (even if he is trying to hide it because in his country they are pretty narrow-minded about many things) and they even talk to him about it. The excuse is always the distance when I'm around. I wonder what he tells them when I'm not around although it must be only good things or else they wouldn't react so positively towards me.

The reason why I feel he is slipping away from me is how he is talking to me these days. I know he is desperate about his situation. He is trying to find a job, has to help his parents in their shop, spends his time in front of the TV and the laptop, reads books to improve his language skills, broaden his horizon and all this currently influences in his way to talk to me. One moment he is completely hyper, offering me to go to the cinema (with me he went to the cinema in his city for the first time because his friends don't have common interests) , to have a coffee, etc. although he knows it isn't possible at the moment since I'm far away and won't have time until March. When I offer him to come here, he changes the subject (saying that it is too far and his car won't survive the trip). I know that it is because I would have to pay him the ticket but I would do it gladly. I had more fun with him when he was here than when I was there. Mainly because of cultural issues, his fear of what the neighbors might think or his parents finding out. He is almost 30 but still behaving like a child in some ways although he is the most intelligent and kind person I have met in my life.

Maybe I'm also scared because I know that he is feeling lonely and might find someone while I'm still thinking about what to do to help him and help myself. I have really fallen for his naive but still very cute personality, his big heart, his intelligence, his stubborn character (which makes me want to kill him sometimes) and his stupid jokes ("Ohhhh, I love how you beg me for a kiss so I don't give you one right away" - a comment which sometimes make me wonder if I have bad breath or if he is really that evil). I have learned in the past years when it is time to move on and let go. In this case it still feels way too early. If he was totally indifferent even while I'm there, I would stop wasting my time. But this dude even cries for me, cries with me, put the presents I gave him and even our cinema, train and sightseeing tickets on his wall, ...

Actually I'm going there in March. He doesn't know yet that I will be visiting him. I just told him that I would move in with a friend of mine for some time. She happens to live closer to him than I do, a good excuse to visit him. He also said that he would come over while I'm there but I can't depend on that yet. Money is really a big issue for him and asking for help is something he doesn't like to do.

Ahhhhh, okay... I think that was a novel. Felt good writing it though. Especially because it helped me to analyze the situation especially the part which is messing with my self-confidence.

As for moving away, my parents agree that I should try to go somewhere else for some time to see if it is really what I want. That is why I asked my friend who lives in Croatia if I can move in with her. She is more than happy to welcome me... especially because we don't see each other that often anymore. She already notified me though that I shouldn't stay with her all the time and go to this guy to fight for what I want and deserve. Funnily it is the first time that she likes a guy that I'm interested in. She always warned me about all the others and I didn't listen.
Booked a one-way ticket the other day. Not that it means that I'm really leaving for good. A one-way ticket back home is also very easy to buy even on short notice.

Hi Nikki, that was such a beautiful and honest post. Thanks very much for sharing with us.

The reason why I said initially that perhaps it's not meant to be is because, typically when you face one too many challenges on the same road, it indicates that perhaps it's not meant to be and the nature (or your higher self) is creating all these obstacles for you in order to stop you from making any further mistakes. But then there are exceptions to the general rule as well.

What I've gathered from your post in a nutshell is that, he himself is a lot confused about the relationship as well. And also, we need to understand the fact that, a guy's mind is very different than a girl's. Given that he's 30 and still looking for a job, a relationship at this point is never going to be his top priority, if anything. Just as much it's very important for a girl to find the right partner, it's very important for guys to see themselves to be successful in their professional life first. They need to be proud of themselves first before they commit to anything else, in short. And clearly he's not there yet but that kind of puzzles me. If he's intelligent as you say he is, then what's keeping him from getting a decent job? Have you noticed all other things about him other than the ones you really like? I'd personally pay a lot of attention to that.

Anyway, now I do think he likes you a great deal but not necessarily love you. When a guy falls truly in love (a rare feat in fact for the guys) they act very differently and he's not acting that way. Perhaps his current situation is not letting him look further into the relationship, but a person who's in love does everything to make sure the other person doesn't get hurt because of him and even if it comes at the price of him going away from the loved one forever.

Having said that, for you it would be best if you didn't over analyze the matter (women tend to do it if they are in love as they look for all sorts of signs) but at the same time, you need to do what your heart tells you right now. If I were say, your sister, I wouldn't have stopped you from doing the things your heart tells you to do Because then you wouldn't learn anything if you were to make mistakes, but more importantly, we must do what we feel right at that precise moment, because this moment might just be the moment where your life is supposed to take a turn and take a different course.

But it's also high time you ask the right questions to yourself - put that self that's in love with this guy aside - and ask your true self as to why you feel so strongly about him.   Is there any true and valid reason for that? What's the worse that could happen if you didn't pursue him any longer and what are the benefits? Is it worth making all that trouble and change in your life when the path is so difficult and narrow? Would you regret it in the future if you didn't pursue it? And finally, is this truly what you want?

Keep in mind that the guy is not taking any major initiatives as you are. I know, I know he has  his reasons but think of a scenario where he has everything. Do you see him being really sure about you and doing all the things for you? Or do you see him still just as much vague and confused? And still giving you mixed signals?