CAMELOT FANTASIES

Quote from: Nikki on February 09, 2014, 01:24:33 am

Thank you for your kind words. I never felt so bad about losing a pet. When I was younger, my grandma used to have a dog too. When she died I was sad as well but I was still too young to realize what a big loss it was. With my bunnies it was the same especially since they don't live as long as a dog anyway, that is why the emotional attachment isn't that strong. As for my dog who passed away last month, after 14 years of ups and downs together, I'm feeling completely devastated knowing that he will never come back to hit me in the face again with his paw in the morning.  Not to mention the unwanted kisses.

For me it is still hard to realize that it wasn't meant to be when the other one person involved still swears that he will always support me and never forget me no matter what will happen in the future. He keeps on telling me that the only thing which is keeping us from being together is the distance. Says that he loves me but I'm free to search for happiness elsewhere. For me it is hard to believe that something as trivial as distance is keeping him. He takes his profession very seriously although he is unemployed at the moment, fighting each day to survive, as he says. So moving somewhere else and start a new life is out of question for him and his stubborn mind. Maybe there is also fear of failing, having to beg others for money, etc. The cultural difference might play its part too. Sometimes his behavior really leaves me totally puzzled. Not being used to it, I always think that it is maybe me who isn't good enough for him but he just doesn't want to hurt my feelings by telling me the truth. Then again, he always tells me the truth about everything, I know him inside out because he is like an open book. Also I don't seem to understand is why he keeps in touch with me for all this time, even contacts me when I ignore him for some time just to see if he invests in it too. I know that he appreciates our conversations a lot and he feels rather lonely at the moment. Maybe he just wants to have someone to talk to, although when we are together, there are moments which show that there is more than friendship. His friends see it, some of his family members see it (even if he is trying to hide it because in his country they are pretty narrow-minded about many things) and they even talk to him about it. The excuse is always the distance when I'm around. I wonder what he tells them when I'm not around although it must be only good things or else they wouldn't react so positively towards me.

The reason why I feel he is slipping away from me is how he is talking to me these days. I know he is desperate about his situation. He is trying to find a job, has to help his parents in their shop, spends his time in front of the TV and the laptop, reads books to improve his language skills, broaden his horizon and all this currently influences in his way to talk to me. One moment he is completely hyper, offering me to go to the cinema (with me he went to the cinema in his city for the first time because his friends don't have common interests) , to have a coffee, etc. although he knows it isn't possible at the moment since I'm far away and won't have time until March. When I offer him to come here, he changes the subject (saying that it is too far and his car won't survive the trip). I know that it is because I would have to pay him the ticket but I would do it gladly. I had more fun with him when he was here than when I was there. Mainly because of cultural issues, his fear of what the neighbors might think or his parents finding out. He is almost 30 but still behaving like a child in some ways although he is the most intelligent and kind person I have met in my life.

Maybe I'm also scared because I know that he is feeling lonely and might find someone while I'm still thinking about what to do to help him and help myself. I have really fallen for his naive but still very cute personality, his big heart, his intelligence, his stubborn character (which makes me want to kill him sometimes) and his stupid jokes ("Ohhhh, I love how you beg me for a kiss so I don't give you one right away" - a comment which sometimes make me wonder if I have bad breath or if he is really that evil). I have learned in the past years when it is time to move on and let go. In this case it still feels way too early. If he was totally indifferent even while I'm there, I would stop wasting my time. But this dude even cries for me, cries with me, put the presents I gave him and even our cinema, train and sightseeing tickets on his wall, ...

Actually I'm going there in March. He doesn't know yet that I will be visiting him. I just told him that I would move in with a friend of mine for some time. She happens to live closer to him than I do, a good excuse to visit him. He also said that he would come over while I'm there but I can't depend on that yet. Money is really a big issue for him and asking for help is something he doesn't like to do.

Ahhhhh, okay... I think that was a novel. Felt good writing it though. Especially because it helped me to analyze the situation especially the part which is messing with my self-confidence.

As for moving away, my parents agree that I should try to go somewhere else for some time to see if it is really what I want. That is why I asked my friend who lives in Croatia if I can move in with her. She is more than happy to welcome me... especially because we don't see each other that often anymore. She already notified me though that I shouldn't stay with her all the time and go to this guy to fight for what I want and deserve. Funnily it is the first time that she likes a guy that I'm interested in. She always warned me about all the others and I didn't listen.
Booked a one-way ticket the other day. Not that it means that I'm really leaving for good. A one-way ticket back home is also very easy to buy even on short notice.

Hi Nikki, that was such a beautiful and honest post. Thanks very much for sharing with us.

The reason why I said initially that perhaps it's not meant to be is because, typically when you face one too many challenges on the same road, it indicates that perhaps it's not meant to be and the nature (or your higher self) is creating all these obstacles for you in order to stop you from making any further mistakes. But then there are exceptions to the general rule as well.

What I've gathered from your post in a nutshell is that, he himself is a lot confused about the relationship as well. And also, we need to understand the fact that, a guy's mind is very different than a girl's. Given that he's 30 and still looking for a job, a relationship at this point is never going to be his top priority, if anything. Just as much it's very important for a girl to find the right partner, it's very important for guys to see themselves to be successful in their professional life first. They need to be proud of themselves first before they commit to anything else, in short. And clearly he's not there yet but that kind of puzzles me. If he's intelligent as you say he is, then what's keeping him from getting a decent job? Have you noticed all other things about him other than the ones you really like? I'd personally pay a lot of attention to that.

Anyway, now I do think he likes you a great deal but not necessarily love you. When a guy falls truly in love (a rare feat in fact for the guys) they act very differently and he's not acting that way. Perhaps his current situation is not letting him look further into the relationship, but a person who's in love does everything to make sure the other person doesn't get hurt because of him and even if it comes at the price of him going away from the loved one forever.

Having said that, for you it would be best if you didn't over analyze the matter (women tend to do it if they are in love as they look for all sorts of signs) but at the same time, you need to do what your heart tells you right now. If I were say, your sister, I wouldn't have stopped you from doing the things your heart tells you to do Because then you wouldn't learn anything if you were to make mistakes, but more importantly, we must do what we feel right at that precise moment, because this moment might just be the moment where your life is supposed to take a turn and take a different course.

But it's also high time you ask the right questions to yourself - put that self that's in love with this guy aside - and ask your true self as to why you feel so strongly about him.   Is there any true and valid reason for that? What's the worse that could happen if you didn't pursue him any longer and what are the benefits? Is it worth making all that trouble and change in your life when the path is so difficult and narrow? Would you regret it in the future if you didn't pursue it? And finally, is this truly what you want?

Keep in mind that the guy is not taking any major initiatives as you are. I know, I know he has  his reasons but think of a scenario where he has everything. Do you see him being really sure about you and doing all the things for you? Or do you see him still just as much vague and confused? And still giving you mixed signals?

Thank you so much for your honest reply.

In his country the economical situation is so bad that he won't get a really good job anytime soon. He is refusing offers from relatives to go abroad and make a living there. On Thursday he also told me why which is understandable. His ego doesn't allow him to work as, for example, a waiter after having studied 5 years to become a lawyer. Even if the waiter salary in another country would be double the lawyer salary in his country, he doesn't want to consider it yet.

I suppose I should stop analyzing everything. I will go there anyway. I just don't want to tell him in advance because I hate him making arrangements for me. A friend of mine offered to drive me there, put me in a hotel and stay with me until I'm ready to invite the guy for coffee or cinema. Quite sweet of him although I doubt that I will keep my mind shut about going there for long. Or maybe I should just try to keep it a secret because he once told me that he loves spontaneous coffee, dinner and movie dates and also used that as a reason why a long-distance relationship was nothing for him.

Anyway, if I stopped pursuing him, nothing would change about our conversations. He found someone who he can trust with everything in me. His friends have different interests so they are not really the ones he likes to talk to. Maybe one day everything would change as soon as he finds someone to be with, someone from his city, because he always says that he needs someone around all the time. For the time being I really don't want to use what we have together while we are together, so I'm giving it another try.  Then I have to start thinking about my future though. I still have some plans I want to pursue for myself. I want a better job, preferably in another country or at least a job which allows me to more in touch with clients. I hate sitting in front of the PC all day long, it doesn't fulfil me. I will just see what happens this month when we see each other again and then I will start making my own plans. I will just leave him behind then, if he was meant to be in my life, he will start catching up. I did that before and he came back, so I will just see if it will be the same case again.

At the moment it is pretty much a rollercoaster, one day he is cheery with me, then he is totally strange, tells me lots of random things which come to his mind (I'm the only one he can talk to, as he says).  He wants to learn German so I asked a friend of mine to give me one of his old books. Unfortunately he only had a PDF and audio files. So I told my guy that I could basically send it to him over the internet but he refused saying that he wants me to give him the book when we see each other in March. I will just burn the stuff on a CD-ROM now.

My friend (who doesn't see him being so vague and confused as a big problem) recently started chatting with him. It was her plan to invite us to their apartment on one of the Croatian islands. I found it a really good idea because he only acts that strange in his country, I assume it has to do with their culture or him being afraid of his traditional parents. I find it funny that he is actually getting into the conversation, showing interest in getting to know my friends (even if he asked if she will come with us to party, hahaha. I doubt her husband will let it happen).

Anyway, we will see what happens. I'm feeling a bit more relaxed about the situation today. Maybe because I didn't talk to him yesterday. Whenever we don't talk, I have nothing to analyze. I'm leaving in exactly 14 days so maybe I should keep our conversations as short as possible until then. It is quite easy when the person is so far away: just appear offline on Skype and ignore Facebook messages.  It is not that he will disappear in the next 2 days, find a girlfriend and get married. It puzzles me that he never had a real girlfriend anyway. He called the relationship with his last girlfriend an "open relationship". Not because he wanted to go out with other girls or something like that but because he "didn't want to take her the opportunity to find someone else and be happier with that other person than she could be with him" or something like that. Maybe the one with insecurity issues isn't me after all but him.  In the end he said that she was driving him insane and he didn't want to have anything serious with her because of that... still quite strange to me.