Author Topic: A Day without Laughter is a Day Wasted (Read 8985 times)

Emma · « **Reply #60 on:** February 14, 2014, 02:29:28 pm »

**An elephant asked a camel, "Why are your breasts on your back?" "Well," says the camel, "I think that's a strange question from somebody whose wiener is on his face."**

Emma · « **Reply #61 on:** February 14, 2014, 02:30:47 pm »

Three elderly sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, shared a house together. One evening, the 96-year-old sister went upstairs to take a bath. As she put her foot into the tub, she paused. Then she yelled down to the other two sisters and asked, "Was I getting in the tub or out?" "You dern fool," said the 94-year-old. "I'll come up and see." When she got half way up the stairs she paused. "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92-year-old sister was sitting at the kitchen table drinking a cup of tea and thought, "I hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She shook her head and called out, "I'll be up to help you both as soon as I see who's at the door."

Emma · « **Reply #62 on:** February 14, 2014, 02:32:53 pm »

Three men died, but before God would let them into heaven, God gave them a chance to come back as anything they wanted. The first guy said, "I want to come back as myself, but 100 times smarter." So God made him 100 times smarter.

The second guy said, "I want to be better than that guy, make me 1000 times smarter." So God made him 1000 times smarter.

The last guy decided he would be the best. So he said, "God, make me better than both of them, make me 1,000,000 times smarter." So God made him a woman.

Emma · « **Reply #63 on:** February 14, 2014, 02:34:09 pm »

When Charles de Gaulle decided to retire from public life, the American ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honor. At the dinner table the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame de Gaulle.

"Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and International scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?"

"A ****," replied Madame de Gaulle.

A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer...and no one knew what to say next.

Finally, Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said, "Ma cherie, I believe zee Americans pronounce zat word, 'appiness.

Clay Death · « **Reply #64 on:** February 14, 2014, 03:20:46 pm »

thanks lady Emma.

we got plenty of entertainment at Camelot.

hopefully new members and our guests are enjoying all this.

Emma's world is shaking and baking.

thetruth · « **Reply #65 on:** February 14, 2014, 04:09:58 pm »

Quote from: Emma on February 14, 2014, 02:34:09 pm

When Charles de Gaulle decided to retire from public life, the American ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honor. At the dinner table the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame de Gaulle.

"Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and International scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?"

"A ****," replied Madame de Gaulle.

A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer...and no one knew what to say next.

Finally, Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said, "Ma cherie, I believe zee Americans pronounce zat word, 'appiness.

ROFL, this is awesome. I have to share this with my friends.

Fine catch!

Clay Death · « **Reply #66 on:** February 16, 2014, 06:34:05 pm »

Work vs Prison

IN PRISON... you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON... you get three meals a day.
AT WORK... you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON... you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK... you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON... the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK... you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON... you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK... you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON... you get your own toilet.
AT WORK... you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.

IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family.

IN PRISON... all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required
AT WORK... you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON... you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK... you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON... you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK... they are called managers.

So why is it, again, that we work?

Clay Death · « **Reply #67 on:** February 16, 2014, 06:35:38 pm »

The Requirements Of This Job

Employer: "In this job we need someone who is responsible."

Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."

Clay Death · « **Reply #68 on:** February 16, 2014, 06:37:01 pm »

Hello boss? I can't come to work today...

1. If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work.
The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

2. When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac.
I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.

3. I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half
back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time
continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was
able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source
on exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my
dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late,
or early.

4. Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

5. I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous
boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

6. I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have
that deadline to meet...

7. I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.

8. Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and,
hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I
help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for
calling.

9. My stigmata's acting up.

10. I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to
work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

11. The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me
this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.

12. The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

13. I prefer to remain an enigma.

14. My step other has come back as one of the Undead and we must track
her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace.
One day should do it.

15. I can't come to work today because the Environmental Protection
Agency has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands
and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

16. I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

17. I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

18. I refuse to travel to my job in the District until there is a commuter tax.
I insist on paying my fair share.

19. I've used up all my sick days...so I'm calling in dead.

Clay Death · « **Reply #69 on:** February 16, 2014, 06:39:55 pm »

The Spoon

(A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an organization.)

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However when the busboy brought out water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket, then I looked around the room and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Anderson Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes. After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.

As luck would have it I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare spoon. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was rather impressed.

I noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. My curiosity got the better of me and before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice. "Not everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom." "How so?" "See," he continued, "by tying this string to the tip of your you know what, we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and that way eliminate the need to wash the hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."

After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even further, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

Clay Death · « **Reply #70 on:** February 16, 2014, 06:43:22 pm »

Differences Between You And Your Boss

1.When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.
2.When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.
3.When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.
4.When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.
5.When you take a stand, you're being pig-headed.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.
6.When you overlooked a rule of ettiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.
7.When you please your boss, you're ass-kissing.
When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.
8.When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.
9.When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss has a day off sick, he must be very ill.
10.When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.

Emma · « **Reply #71 on:** February 17, 2014, 09:59:15 am »

Quote from: Clay Death on February 16, 2014, 06:43:22 pm

Differences Between You And Your Boss

1.When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.
2.When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.
3.When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.
4.When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.
5.When you take a stand, you're being pig-headed.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.
6.When you overlooked a rule of ettiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.
7.When you please your boss, you're ass-kissing.
When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.
8.When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.
9.When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss has a day off sick, he must be very ill.
10.When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.

That is honestly so true. lololol

Good stuff, herc darling.

Clay Death · « **Reply #72 on:** February 17, 2014, 10:02:48 am »

thanks emma.

this thread was a superb idea on your part.

one day it will be like one stop shopping for a cool joke.

anybody looking to laugh will find it here.

I will make a contribution and add more jokes here later today.

thetruth · « **Reply #73 on:** February 18, 2014, 12:07:04 am »

Quote from: Clay Death on February 13, 2014, 11:00:19 pm

A big city Chicago lawyer went duck hunting in rural Wisconsin. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked the lawyer what he was doing.

The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and your not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer replied. "I'm one of the best trial lawyers in the Chicago, and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything that you own.

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Wisconsin. We settle small disagreements like this, with the Wisconsin Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Wisconsin Three Kick Rule?"

The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly gets down from the tractor and walked up to the city fella. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin, which dropped him to his knees.

His second kick nearly ripped the nose off his face.

The lawyer was flat on his belly, when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly causing him to give up, but didn't.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old man, now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said,

"Naw, I give up, You can keep the duck!"

That's a good one!

thetruth · « **Reply #74 on:** February 18, 2014, 12:09:22 am »

LOL

CAMELOT FANTASIES

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Author Topic: A Day without Laughter is a Day Wasted (Read 8985 times)

Emma

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Emma

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Emma

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Emma

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Clay Death

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thetruth

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Clay Death

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Clay Death

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Clay Death

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Clay Death

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Clay Death

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Emma

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Clay Death

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thetruth

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thetruth

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