CAMELOT FANTASIES

Hello boss? I can't come to work today...

1. If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work.
 The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

2. When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac.
 I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.

3. I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half
 back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time
 continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was
 able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source
 on exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my
 dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late,
 or early.

4. Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

5. I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous
 boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

6. I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have
 that deadline to meet...

7. I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.

8. Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and,
 hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I
 help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for
 calling.

9. My stigmata's acting up.

10. I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to
 work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

11. The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me
 this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.

12. The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

13. I prefer to remain an enigma.

14. My step other has come back as one of the Undead and we must track
 her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace.
 One day should do it.

15. I can't come to work today because the Environmental Protection
 Agency has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands
 and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

16. I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

17. I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

18. I refuse to travel to my job in the District until there is a commuter tax.
 I insist on paying my fair share.

19. I've used up all my sick days...so I'm calling in dead.