CAMELOT FANTASIES

Trying to blame myself, but I can't shoulder this...
I stood beside you when the world closed in
I didn't flinch when things were the darkest
No more...
You want to be alone
You want to create a fantasy life where you feel powerful and invincible
It doesn't exist, but I'll let you chase it
Alone you will be
When you cry at night because there is no one there
Look in the mirror
My light will still shine, but it won't shine on you
The only light you will see is the harsh light of reality
Realizing that all the attention you get has to be paid for
Those women won't cherish the lines in your face, the dimples in your skin, your balding head
They will mask their disdain for you with their hands out for favors
You had someone who craved your touch, but you crave those who will shudder at the old man who wants to reclaim his youth.
I'll bask in who I am,  mindful that love and trust and commitment outlast youth and beauty, and are far more meaningful.
You will delude yourself for a while, but that harsh light will seek you out
Alone you want to be, alone you will be. 

It's ironic that my last post before this one was so full of hope...life seemed right again.  Finally.   Everything feels like an illusion now.    Thank you for reading - it's hard to share, still. 

Love this too...pure love.   I have to believe it still exist.   Love to you my sweet friend. 

One day the clouds part, and you realize that the sun will shine again, you will laugh again, and life will go on.
It's unexpected, something you never thought could happen again.
The pain is still there, settled into a corner, and I know I'll visit it again and again
But there is a place with light again.
Finally 

Thank you Clay!  I love the picture you posted...can that be my signature for now?  I will have to find some more pics I think reflect where I am right now...

Thank you so much my dear friend!

In a moment so quick it opened, a place I never knew existed, the dark hole pulling me towards it's depths.   I knew that if I fell, it would swallow me, never letting me leave. 
There was no warning, no preparation, no way to anchor myself to safety.  Helpless I tettered towards the dark abyss.  No shelter, no way out. 

No warning, no way to prepare
The dark hole opens before me, pulling me closer
helpless, I have no anchor
No one can help me, no one sees this darkness except me
I know if I fall I will never return.
Hopeless, no one hears my cry 
I fall towards it
Closer and closer it beckons me
The dark hole, of no return.